I'm 22 for a moment

Sometimes, I think about the people I met my first summer at camp. I am good terms with all of them, it's not like I burned any bridges or anything, but you know, things change and people drift apart. With the exception of a handful who I am still good friends with, I see the rest about once a year. I know I'm only 22, so to say "I was only 18!" is ridiculous, but I'm going to say it. I was only 18! Occasionally, I think about that first summer and wonder what people thought of me. I had just graduated from high school and was angsty, not to mention I had lost my best friend only a year before and was still pretty depressed.

When you think about the differences between a 1 year old and a 4 year old, the differences are astronomical. Same with a 4 year old and an 8 year old, and even as old as a 12 year old and a 16 year old. But once you hit 18, people think you stay the same for a while. I don't think that's the case.

I'm about to finish my last week of undergraduate classes. Of course, there are the two "classes" you take when you student teach, but I'm not counting those because it's not the same. This is the end of studying, mundane paper writing, homework assignments. My last tutor meeting is Friday, and I declared myself done with Circle K last Tuesday. Certainly the end of a lot of things that have been important to me in college.

I'd like to say I'm getting emotional, but honestly I can only think about summer. And I can only think about camp. I know some people classified their college careers in semesters or years, but I classify myself in summers. There were changes every year.

'06 I was timid. I was shy and anxious all the time. I was young, and intimidated by older staff members. I was naive. I was shocked by the jokes, the language. Being so clean cut became like a disability. '07 I was bitter and complained like a champ, and my head was about the size of the camp. I did my job well, and I knew it. I got beyond excellent reviews. I thought I had changed and left that angsty person from '06 behind. Then once, one of my supervisors asked me to do something that I didn't necessarily want to do, something menial and stupid like cleaning a bathroom, and I did it because I didn't care. I was a good employee, I was at my job, and I was fully capable of completing the task, and not at all busy when I was asked. I was told later that when I stood up to do it, the friend I was sitting with at the time called me a pushover. I knew I had changed, but why didn't anyone else notice?'08 I took a chance and went to a new camp and I was terrified that I would revert back. I was scared that '07 was a waste and I'd be shy and timid again. But it wasn't. I was confident and I realized I had a lot to learn, but I also had a lot to offer. It was the first time I felt good in my own skin. and then there was '09 which has been the best summer so far. I met my best friend last summer, and problems didn't phase me. Sure there were problems but I handled them in a healthy way.

And in a little over a month I'll be back at camp. Summer '10. Number five. Five summers is a lot, and I am certainly nothing like '06 Potter was. I expect it to be a good summer. But what about when I come home? That's what I'm worried about. I'll come home and then I'll student teach and graduate, and in January it will be time for me to look for a real job and move into a proper apartment and make a paycheck and pay bills. Where does camp fit into that?

Camp has been everything the past five years. Everything. It made me who I am. It saved my life. It's made me better and better every year I've returned, so if I stop going after graduation, does that mean I've hindered myself from getting better, or just that I finally grew up?